Absence
Last week, my husband and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. Ten years! Thanks to the my mother-in-law who watched my son Amos, Aaron and I were able to get away for six whole nights. We took the 15-hour drive to Charleston, SC and it was a dream.
Our third day in Charleston, we rented stand-up paddle boards, something we've tried to do for every anniversary since our honeymoon. As we stood in calm waters, we felt a soft breeze and the hot sun nourish our skin. At one point in our journey, we saw dolphins swimming right next to us. Dolphins! The experience was straight out of a hallmark movie.
Toward the end of our time, we took a route just off the main waterway. There weren’t any boats or other kayaks floating by, so the waters were calmer here. We were completely alone. All we could hear were the gentle taps of water from our paddles and the sound of thunder clouds slowly rolling in. I stopped moving to just float for a few minutes and I heard it -- complete silence. It was as if God turned the hum of the world off. Even the waters were silent. It took me by surprise. A huge smile made its way across my face as this tranquil moment seeped into my pores.
There was nowhere else I had to be. This was a holy moment and I made sure to drink it all in.
Silence makes me uncomfortable. I usually listen to music on a walk, turn background noise on while working, or call someone when driving. Silence isn’t my first choice. I don't always have the luxury of silence either, being a mom to a 3 year old.
Sometimes, absence of noise activates my anxiety, especially when I share my honest feelings with someone and they respond with silence. I want a quick response or reflection. What I’m really asking for in those moments are quick solutions and answers. I’m looking for an escape from harsh feelings or companionship in them. At the root of it, absence of noise says to me, “I’m all alone.”
What about you? When there is zero activity going on, what's your first reaction? Do you want to automatically fill it with something or do you know what to do in silence?
I've been seeing the impact of sitting in silence more and more. At first, the quiet is uncomfortable because there is a real sense of being alone. We often avoid this feeling by filling it. We reach for anything that will distract us from the nothing. Being still is so hard when we enter absence with fear.
Even while waiting for a barista to give me my drink or for something to load on my computer, I've trained my body to reach for my phone. I want to fill the lull with something to entertain or comfort me.
What if we sat in absence despite fear? What if we sat in silence knowing that it’s more about solitude than it is about being alone. In silence, would we feel more weight come on our shoulders or more weight come off?
I don't know what the long-term affect would be, but I do know, in those short minutes of paddling on the river, I felt closer to Jesus than I have in a long time.
He didn't say much to me in those moments, I just felt him with me. I felt his delight and pressure come off.
When we meet with Jesus, we don’t have to show up with bells and whistles, banners or streamers to be in his presence. Sometimes, he just wants to sit in silence together. His presence can make absence feel full, rich, and abundant.
In silence, we don’t always have to pray, address our sins, shortcomings or big longings. We can just be. We can feast on his goodness in absence. In quietness, our souls can connect to his presence in a way that words can't. It may not always feel like He’s filling the space with enough, but I think that’s the practice of it — coming to silence to grow in trust.
Let’s come to silence to grow in trust. Let's put the headphones away and lay our hands on our laps. Let's feel the ground beneath our feet and the chair supporting our backs. Turn things off. Keep your eyes open or close them, and let silence be the melody Christ sings to.
REFLECT
How does silence make you feel?
When there’s absence of noise, what happens in your mind or body?
Take 5 minutes to sit in silence. What thoughts come first? Sit a minute or two longer. What thoughts come next?
