The Good News Shame Needs to Hear
How do you respond when you make a mistake?
When I make a mistake, all I’ve known to do is to shame myself into “right” behavior. My fists form and my arms flex, ready to box any feelings of unworthiness out of me. Between the two different responses — fight or flight — I definitely fight when I feel big emotions.
Fortunately, I’m now aware of my compulsions and I’m healing. One thing I’ve learned during this process goes against our natural response, but it's quite effective — to not shame the shame.
Let’s first understand the difference between shame and guilt. I like my friend’s explanation:
Guilt says, “I made a mistake."
Shame says, “I am a mistake."
Here’s a longer description:
"I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” — Brené Brown
What deep pain! To think of yourself unworthy of connection. When I try to force shame out, I end up feeling more angry and less lovable. In a twisted way, I think it’s helpful to hate the part of me that feels unworthy. It’s not. There’s another way to address shame instead of berating it or dismissing the feeling all together.
In the book Boundaries for Your Soul, the authors Allison Cook and Kimberly Miller explain that emotions are terrible drivers, but can be great indicators of a deeper need. When we allow the Holy Spirit to lead our emotions, our feelings can actually highlight the parts of us we want to hate. The goal is to show kindness and curiosity instead.
For example:
If I lash out at my husband guilt says, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shame follows up with, “My husband doesn’t love me and I’ll never learn.”
At this point, I’m learning to pause and discover what shame is trying to cover up. I ask the Holy Spirit, “Help me see where I need love."
When I take the time to process and listen, I often discover my need for connection and affirmation.
Shame often uses anger to speak on behalf of my need. In other words, when I feel an unmet need, my habit is to act out in order to communicate my need.
Here is where healing is happening — the Lord is helping me find a new voice that’s different from anger. Instead of shaming my own shame e.g. “Stop, it Viv!", I’m experiencing the Lord’s compassion and asking shame to step aside so I can learn what’s going on behind it. This is God’s mercy. He is restoring me to a place of acceptance and love.
This repair feels a lot like consoling a child who feels shame after doing something naughty. A good parent wouldn’t shame the child more. They would first extend gentleness and then address what’s going on behind the behavior. That’s what our good Father wants to do with us. He’s not out to disgrace us, he wants to reinstate our connection with him.
This kind of work is very hard, messy, and takes time, but it’s transforming the way I think towards my feelings. I’m beginning to see my feelings in light of the Gospel!
“Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant overlooking the sin sod his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love."
Micah 7:18
Amen and amen! The Gospel doesn’t just apply to our salvation story, but to our guilt-ridden and shameful moments too. For when we lash out at our family, spouse, or kids. For the times we shame ourselves and use negative talk to change our behavior. For all these times, God is present and delighted to lavish us with His love. He is doing the work in us to redeem our broken and unmet needs. He brings our shame and anger back to the cross!
That my friends, is why this truth will forever and always be GOOD news.
Journal Prompt
Inspired by Boundaries for Your Soul, I created this journal prompt for you to use when you’re feeling shame. Pin it for later, print it, or handwrite it!
