Navigating the Word “No”
Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Unsplash
I see how the word "no" impacts my 3-year-old son greatly.
Sometimes he anticipates me saying “no” before he even utters a request. When he feels stress, he starts acting out because his brain isn’t developed enough to know what to do. He senses me saying no to candy or no to watching TV, and he starts throwing or hitting things. He's acting on how he feels, and it's understandable.
We don’t always know how to handle the word either.
Being told “no” conjures up feelings of rejection, stress, pressure, or lost hopes and dreams. We have a hard time saying it too. "No" can be a painful word, but we also know it's there for our health and safety.
When I heard “no” growing up, I often obliged in fear.
When I heard “no” from friends, I internalized it and thought I wasn't enough.
When I said “no”...well I didn't really know how to carry it out with confidence.
The longer I parent my son, the more I learn how to navigate the word “no” for myself. It comes with understanding what “yes’s” are in my life.
I want to live from a place of “yes”, and let that be the space that guides my “no”.
Here’s a list of yes's that surround me:
A yes to safety.
A yes to self-love .
A yes to self-care.
A yes to being known.
A yes to generosity.
A yes to trust.
A yes to creativity and writing.
A yes to the freedom God has for me.
When we know our “yes’s”, we can set boundaries to protect, guide, and operate from those affirmatives. It’s here where we start to walk out our “no’s” with wisdom, obedience, and trust. I'm not an expert in setting boundaries by any means, but I am learning how important they are when it comes to taking full responsibility of my own needs and identity.
A Hard No
“No’s” are hard, especially when it’s a hard no!
I have a difficult time hearing “no” when it comes to relationships. The hardest “no” for me centers around other people meeting my expectations. Here’s some raw vulnerability, I tend to rely too much on others to meet my abandonment and controlling needs. (Hello, co-dependency!) I’m not talking about healthy reliance on community where I look to friends or loved ones for support or partnership. I’m talking about expecting others to shape or define my worth. This comes from a place of unresolved conflict, learned behaviors, and personal trauma.
Here are some high/unhealthy expectations I carry —
I want my son to obey with blind compliance.
I often want my husband to carry what I feel -- for him to take responsibility for my happiness or sadness.
I want limitless affirmation from others.
I believe I’m responsible for making other people happy.
As I bring my co-dependent pitfalls to light and expose what's been hiding, God takes my weak reliance and restores me back to wholeness in Him. When light is involved, I discover what the “yes’s” are in my life, and learn to heed to the word “no” with love and trust. It is never easy, and can be downright exhausting living here, but complete dependence on Christ coupled with full assurance in my identity is what brings wholeness. Such dependence is worship to God.
Boundaries
Boundaries are part of this process as they are healthy way to say “no”. Boundaries around who I give my time to, around what messages I allow in my life, and around my emotions and pitfalls. I'm discovering what those markers look like practically.
As I navigate the word “no” and what it means, I'm learning how to hold space for other's when they say “no”. I’m also learning how to hear it when God says it too.
When you hear the word “no”, what kind of reaction does it cause in you? What fears do you have behind the word “no”?
“No” is powerful, but can often feel harsh. Much like my son, we don’t always respond well when we hear it or say it. Our hope lies in the resounding “yes” God has spoken over our lives. His “yes" comes down to one truth: We are His. No matter what.
It’s this yes that gives us a birds-eye view of what more we have in Jesus. The boundary-lined terrain where jagged cliffs exist are incomparable to the vast expanse where God wants us to reside. He’s given us more than the land we plant our feet on, he’s given us the sky to behold His glory.
We reside in His limitless love.
“There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love. 39 There is no power above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!”
Romans 8:38-39 TPT
These verses and all of Romans 8 is an entire yes —
A yes to being his daughters and sons. (verse 15)
A yes to complete approval and right standing because of Christ's blood. (verse 10)
A yes to wholeness and healing. (verse 21 and 23)
A yes to boundaries that set us up for God’s plans. (verse 7-9)
A yes to self-assurance and taking responsibility for my own desires and feelings. (verse 27)
I say yes because I am His and His alone.
A Curious Response
If you have a hard time setting boundaries, think of someone in your life that has set healthy boundaries around their time, relationships, or you name it. Ask them what their specific boundaries are and how they established them. What is their goal?
I'm sure they will feel loved by your curiosity.