The Work Behind Knowing Our Identity
One night, my 2.5 year old son, Amos, was having a tough time going to bed. He was screaming, crying, and tossing things around in his crib. Seeing him struggle like this, often triggers my anger and anxiety. I’ve felt anxious enough times to know that, at the core of my anger is the feeling of powerlessness and shame. When Amos finally fell asleep, I started to share with my husband all the negative thoughts and inadequacies I felt in that moment. I shared the pressure I feel as a mother, a wife, and even as a follower of Christ. I was feeling agitated in my mind and in my body. As my husband listened, he encouraged me that the emotions I was feeling were secondary to the lies I was believing. Then he reminded me of something so valuable — I had forgotten who I am.
THE VITAL WORK
With all that is going on in the world, it seems somewhat trivial to talk about identity. There are so many urgent topics to focus on. Yet, real moments, like that night I had with my son and husband, make me realize how vital it is to know our identity in Christ. I would even argue that, that knowledge should come before anything else! Why, you ask? Because identity is all about belonging, and knowing whose we are, can dictate how we live.
“When people don’t know whose they are, they act in opposition to who they are.”
After hearing some encouragement from my husband, I retreated to our room and these words spilled onto a blank page, “When people don’t know whose they are, they act in opposition to who they are."
It’s a heavy statement that’s important to think through when we witness poor behavior. When my mind is in a state of “forgotten identity”, I notice how I’m quick to judge. I start spewing unkind words towards myself. I act out by compulsively cleaning or speaking irrational beliefs to those closest to me. In a twisted way, my angry behavior gives me a sense of control over my unkind thoughts and emotions. I start to believe that my actions define who I am i.e. I’m a terrible mother, there’s no hope for my anger, and so forth. When I’m finally able to calm down and think clearly, I realize that my anger doesn’t define me, but it’s indicative of a deeper pain. In other words, when I’m feeling anxious or angry, my emotional responses are speaking from a wound or unmet need that is screaming for love, healing, and a kind word.
I also see this happen a lot in Amos.
Amos is going through a phase of hitting and kicking. He hits us at random times, sometimes pushes kids when he feels threatened, and kicks for no apparent reason. There are other times when I see him cuddling a toy, his stuffed animals, a small puppy, or even the vacuum saying, “Mama, I’m hugging the vacuum!” He starts patting the toy or furry friend with all the gentleness and kindness in the world. When he does this, I’m reminded that his violent behavior isn’t who he is. As a toddler, he’s working through his emotions, learning how to communicate, and doesn’t quite know the difference between right and wrong. As the parent, it’s my job to speak to his identity and show him that it’s not marked by his short temper. His original design resembles the Father of Heaven and Earth, the God who made him and loves him (Genesis 1:27). I constantly tell him that his aggressive behavior is not who he really is. Quite often, I ask him to recite the words, “Amos is kind. Amos is gentle.”, etc. I also reassure him and say, “You are loved and you are safe."
As humans, we all have a bent towards awful behavior. Paul writes “The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, and a slave to sin.” Romans 7:14. We all do things we know we shouldn’t do. As adults, we even act out in ways that resemble a toddler. Someone cuts us off on the freeway, ghosts us, or gives us a judgmental look. When we see injustice and inequality happening to our close friends or even strangers. What about when we get the run-a-around on the phone with the bank or insurance company? I challenge you to notice your own words and actions when you experience an unjust moment. While our anger may be righteous, we are quick to act out in unrighteous ways. Our human and sinful nature is completely opposite of God’s nature.
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, grace enters the room to realign our thinking with His. It could be through an encouraging word, a song on the radio, or words that you read. Grace reminds us that our behavior and emotions are secondary to wrong thinking, fear, or injustice we experience. Grace is the one saying ,“You are loved and you are safe.” It’s always there to remind us that our feelings are not our identity; what God says about us is.
Sadly, our orphaned souls depend on other things to define us. We build our identity around a political party, how we look or dress, by our kids, the media we consume, or what our friends say. The more we consume what’s out there, the more pressure we feel to be what we consume. Then the cycle continues as we base our identity on our good or bad behavior, or even on certain religious practices or rules. Take this quote from Matt Lantz:
“If you’ve built an identity around anything [other than God], you haven’t built an identity; you’ve built an idol.”
All of this is rooted in our need for truth about the world and security about our image.
This is why it’s so critical to focus on what identity truly means. We live in a broken culture where people often lack critical thinking and truth. Just watch the news or scroll through social media, and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll quickly learn how anxiety-driven our search for belonging is. We need grace to flood our culture and communities. We need a greater awakening to our belonging in Christ. Rather than looking to a hundred different opinions or ideas, we need to stand, first and foremost, on who God is and who He says we are.
“Identity’s aren’t built, it’s something we receive.” — Matt Lantz
“The more you consume what’s out there, the more pressure you feel to be what you consume.”
So here’s some truth; in our short-tempered, double-minded nature, we are homeless. Without Christ, we will always be looking for a place to fit in or some image to belong to.
Let’s turn our ears to Heaven’s language. The Father of Heaven and Earth speaks of our belonging as being adopted by Him. Just imagine that for a second!
We belong to God Almighty as his adopted sons and daughters! God says, we are complete in Him. There’s no greater picture than having a righteous and holy father taking our orphaned, homeless souls and making us His own! This is the belonging that shapes our identity.
"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons[a] of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father! Romans 8:14-15
If you put faith in Him, God will show you that your entire being exists out of being His child. Just watch how that truth impacts how you view and live life.
Back to the words I wrote before — When people don’t know whose they are, they act in opposition to who they are.
I’ll flip them around this time — When people know whose they are, they act in agreement with who they are.
“When people know whose they are, they act in agreement with who they are.”
How do you think that knowledge and trust would impact our day-to-day behavior? Would there be as many hateful words spewed on social media? Would there be as many broken relationships or broken homes like there are now? Would there be as many flippant actions or as much irrational thinking?
I honestly don’t know what it would look like if more of us lived in agreement with God’s words. I do know His truth sets us free. In our belonging to Christ we are free from shame. We are free from anxiety. We are free from emotionally-driven decisions. We are free from having to answer to all those things! That is the safety and belonging that this world could never give.
So, bottom line, who are you? God chose you to be holy and blameless in his sight (Ephesians 1:4). He loves you. You are His. All He asks is for you to believe Him.
THE HARD WORK
While living from our sense of belonging is vital work, it’s no cake walk! You and I both know, we can’t just flip a switch and get it right away. It’s a process of addressing old wounds, facing trauma head on, and identifying ungodly beliefs. It is very slow, intentional, and deep work. It’s work done behind the scenes, where no one else will congratulate you, but it’s the most important, personal work you will ever do. It takes digging our heels in, asking the Holy Spirit to guide us, and running to God with full force to help us when we are struggling.
“It’s work done behind the scenes, where no one else will congratulate you, but it’s the most important, personal work you will ever do.”
“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Hebrews 4:16
One thing to be aware of in this process is, how quickly shame can enter the room. Shame will try to latch on to what God is trying to heal in us. It acts like a leech; feeding on our weaknesses. But there’s Christ’s redemption! Redemption puts on itself the verbal abuse you’ve endured as a child or adult, so you no longer have to bear that heavy load. This is significant! Especially if that verbal abuse is coming from your own mouth and taking residence within your own mind.
The Holy Spirit’s job is to help us notice the difference between shame’s language versus God’s language.
<— Here’s a sticky note you can steal to get you started!
All this sounds like fun work, doesn’t it?! Addressing old wounds, calling out shame, going to the deep places of our soul…whew, talk about heavy! While it may be hard work, think of the pay off — lasting, transformative change we so desperately need!
THE TRANSFORMATIVE WORK
What would happen if we all lived knowing whose we are outside of space, time, or responsibilities?
This kind of knowledge won’t only transform us individually, but it gives God glory and emits His light through us, out into the whole world!
Say what?!
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”1 Peter 2:9
I want that for us, don’t you? To be sons and daughters who know who we are! To be sons and daughters proclaiming God’s excellencies, having no doubt in our minds of who we belong to. To live in a world that sees Gods light through us!
As a culture, I pray we come to know of our true identity in Christ. I pray it changes each and every one of us from inside our homes out into the streets. As that happens, we will see a culture shift from living for ourselves, to living for Him.
You ready?
Let’s get to work!
ENCOURAGEMENT
If you’re a mother struggling to believe that you’re a good mom, good Christian, or good person — He wants to make any condemning thought, new! Your worth is in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17
If you’re a young college student wondering what your purpose is — Your belonging doesn’t change based on what you’re doing or not doing. God directs the steps of those who fear him. Psalm 37:23
If you’re struggling to wake up each day, know that you are seen and known by the Father who calls you his own. Romans 8:14-15
If you are someone that doesn’t believe there is a God, He loves you still, and wants to show you what true family is. Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:9-11
For anyone else who just needs a reminder: You are His. Ephesians 1:4-5
A NOTE ON MENTAL HEALTH AND IDENTITY
I’m not a mental health professional, but I know there are real mental health problems in our culture that are beyond our control. Some of us struggle with a chemical and neurological imbalance in our bodies that impact our behavior and outlook. Those complications in your brain or nervous system may need assistance from medication and/or professional, medical help. There is absolutely no shame when it comes to relying on those things to get your body realigned and your brain functioning properly. If you struggle with depression, clinically diagnosed anxiety, PTSD, unmanageable mood swings, or the like, I know that belief in your identity can’t magically rid you of disorders you’ve struggled with for years. What I am saying is, knowing you belong can greatly impact the way you seek help, get up for the day, or take action to restore health and clear thinking. Knowing your identity goes hand-in-hand with how we choose to stand and persevere, despite what we’re feeling or experiencing. A daily encounter with God’s grace and fatherhood can move you towards getting the help and support you need. It can also lead you to experience God in deeper ways than you imagined.
ADDITIONAL READING AND RESOURCES
The Theology of Identity with Matt Lantz | JOURNEYWOMEN Podcast Episode 18
13 Thoughts on Mental Health | Hannah Brencher
Boundaries For Your Soul | Amanda Cook & Kimberly Miller